I’m very sorry that we haven’t talked since March. I wasn’t trying to avoid you but things here have been very busy. I can always hear your words of encouragement even when we don’t talk.
You always said that at my age, it’s the time to give it my all. To be focused. Because life goes by quickly and I don’t want to live with any regrets.
It’s not a good excuse, I know, but I was trying to follow your advice and be focused on the task at hand. Besides, like dad, you know how little I like to share my feelings. I prefer to bury them way, way down.
These days it seems that if I don’t think about tomorrow, life and work tend to be more tolerable. Grit my teeth and try to carry on each day at a time. But, between you and me, that doesn’t always work.
There are times when I can’t keep my mind occupied. It wanders when washing dishes, lying in bed, or a thought or a memory of you crosses my mind. I can’t help but come to terms with reality. Feel the pain. In that moment, I feel my heart is being squeezed as if someone had the sadistic pleasure of making lemonade with my pain. But I wouldn’t want it any other way.
I always have the impulse to call you but I know you can’t answer. That’s a very strange and heartbreaking feeling. I really want to hear your voice. Your laugh. Talk to you about trivial things. It always cheered me up.
As you already know, there are many things that don’t need to be said. You know me inside out, there are no secrets. But my biggest regret is not spending more time with you.
You and dad have always been there for me. I’ve always known how lucky I am, even though these days it’s harder to find the positive side of things. I know that my problems are miniscule in proportion and irrelevant to most, but when someone is such a monumental part of my life, as you obviously are, nothing can be the same when you lose that. A part of you becomes numb and there’s a hole in your existence. Life is no longer the same no matter how much happiness and success you receive.
You know, the other day I dreamed about you. You were sick again. You didn’t have enough suffering in life that I needed to rekindle it? How fair is that? As always, you never complained nor showed weakness. I guess you forgot to pass on that gene to me… It really shows with my constant, banal, worrisome, and life-threatening hypochondria diagnosis.
I hope that one day I become as resilient, generous and thoughtful as you are. You always make it important to make people feel special and cared for. You put other’s people need above of your own, even when you were going through very tough times. It was never a burden; it came from your heart.
Even at your very last moments, you cared and protected us. Something in me broke when you said, “I am okay. I’m feeling much better now.”
Mom, don’t worry. I know you always have. I will be fine. I am also feeling much better now.
Happy birthday, you are always in my heart and thoughts.